With the large number of airline pilots going through divorces at some point in their careers, I decided to consult top family law attorneys out of both California and Texas to get some of their feedback from their combined 30 years in dealing with airline pilot divorces. Below is a list– in no particular order– of the things that have gotten their clients (and witnessed opposing clients) into trouble.
Where was this list when I was going through a divorce?!
1. Putting your strip joint/bunny ranch charges on your joint credit card. Don’t leave a paper trail on anything you wouldn’t want on display before a judge or jury.
2. Putting out profiles on dating web sites before divorce is final. Separation is not divorce. You are not free to roam about the cabin just yet!
3. Getting a new girlfriend/boyfriend, and telling your spouse about it in order to rub it in. It’s going to look very bad to the judge, and good luck then getting him or her to side with you on important decisions.
4. Threatening to take the children away to use as leverage to keep your spouse in line.
5. Hiding assets. The truth will eventually come out, and it makes you look like a dishonest person. And what else are you hiding?
6. Being a wimp and a pushover; giving your spouse more than what they’re legally entitled to. Willing to let the spouse get more than they deserve for the sake of assuaging your guilt.
7. Incriminating evidence left on the computer. Do not leave an electronic paper trail.
8. Hiring attorneys who promise a particular outcome. There are no guarantees in family law. The judge could be having a bad day; there are a million reasons that a sure thing could come out differently. Don’t go with a lawyer who tells you it won’t cost more than a certain amount unless they are offering a flat fee. There are a million reasons it could cost you a fortune, for example if your ex hires a very litigious lawyer who bombards your lawyer with document requests going back 10 years.
9. Trying to represent themselves in a divorce case. If there’s a time you need an attorney, this is it. Your kids, house, and retirement are all on the line.
10. Arguing excessively over possessions. At $250 per hour for an average attorney, let your ex have the couch, TV, or stereo… it’s cheaper to buy new ones.
11. Putting your children in the middle. Saying things to your kids things like “I can’t buy you that because your Mommy has taken all of my money,” or “Your Daddy’s not paying me enough child support to buy you this…” And never, ever disparage your ex within earshot of your children. If your ex does this (and the majority do, or have family members that will), a good web site to help educate you on this form of abuse is BrainwashingChildren.com.
12. Don’t move out of your house if you plan on going for custody of your kids.
13. Showing up with a new, younger, significant other to a settlement conference or hearing. You will have NO chance of settling.
14. Making threats. It’s a contentious time, but never say things like “I’m going to kill you for this,” as you will be served with a restraining order the next day.
15. Not focusing on your flying. Don’t get violated or otherwise do dumb things because you’re obsessing over your ex or your new relationship.
16. Not requesting an Airline Pilot Possession Order or Variable Possession Order like this, unless you’re senior enough that you can get every single weekend off.
17. Dumping your significant other during your custody battle with your ex. Chances are said significant other will contact your spouse and write a declaration on your spouse’s behalf saying that you are an alcoholic drug dealer who hits his or her kids and girlfriends/boyfriends, etc.
18. NOT SEEING YOUR KIDS. Now’s not the time to slack off on visitation. See your little ones as much as you can, with or without Temporary Orders.
19: Not maintaining consistent electronic communication with your kids. Use email, IM, Skype, texts, etc. Plus, it’s a way to document your efforts at staying in contact with your kids.
20. Not keeping detailed notes of visitation, your ex’s outlandish comments, and recording any threatening or otherwise hostile voicemails left for you. Document, document, document.
21: For men: there’s a saying that goes “You’ve never met a woman until you’ve met her in court.” If there’s any time in her life when a woman has the ability to be incredibly conniving, dirty, and underhanded, a divorce is where you’ll see it. Beware.
22: For women: it’s imperative that you keep your emotions in check. Don’t take his word for anything. Brush up on your sleuthing skills. Follow your instincts and don’t let your guard down.
23. Serving your spouse with divorce papers in embarrassing locations. Just don’t do it. Try service by mail first unless you are on a service deadline. One lawyer said she sends a nice letter asking the opposing side to sign a Notice and Acknowledgment of Receipt and advising them that they will be personally served if they do not sign the acknowledgment. There is nothing to be gained by humiliating your spouse if you can avoid it.
24: Doing anything at all that you wouldn’t want shown in a courtroom in a matter of months. Expect the unexpected.
25. Not watching who you talk to. Your common “friends” can turn on you in an instant. Loyalties can shift rapidly, and what you’ve confided in them can and will be used against you…
[The author of this article is a captain for a major airline and a fellow divorcee. A special thanks to Dallas-area attorney John Pfister, La Jolla, California attorney Shannon Glover, and the other attorneys that contributed to this article]
