Be interested, not interesting

Most men make the mistake of talking too much about themselves on dates. Just ask any woman what her overriding complaint is, and this is usually it.

“We had a nice little conversation about… himself”

“He talked nonstop about how much he’s loved at work, by his friends, and how much money he makes”

Instead of learning about their date, these men are too busy trying to impress them. Said another way,  instead of being interested, they’re trying to be interesting… by bragging about their job, their new car, their career prospects, their favorite sports teams, etc.

I didn’t just describe you, did I? I hope not!

I’ve been told a few times over the years what a good communicator I am. The funny thing is, I’ve never felt that I am. Here’s the secret:

Because I’m genuinely interested in what a woman is telling me, I ask follow-up questions. And since women love talking about themselves, this can go on for long time– even 45 minutes– before a single question is asked in return. The reason women have told me I’m a “communicator” is because they felt connected to me. I showed interest in their stories, not their physical appearance.

I typically talk only 20-25% of the time on a date. But because I’m listening to what they’re saying, what they’re sensing isn’t communication but… connection. My emphasis is to learn about them and be interested in their background, their likes, and their life.

Last week I asked a woman what her biggest complaint was– she was complaining about the men she was meeting on She said that men drone on and on about themselves on first dates. And when she did begin speaking they would hijack the conversation back.

Stop trying to be interesting to women and start being interested in them instead. If you’re into her, you’ll naturally want to learn about her anyway. And by listening and asking questions, you’ll immediately set yourself apart from most other men.

Summary: Women will find you interesting simply because you find them interesting. It’s pretty simple. So stop trying so hard to impress them.


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2 Responses

  1. Mikail says:

    I can attest to this, being a former player. They don’t really care about what’s going on with you, conversation-wise; they just want a chance to tell you how great THEY are, really.

    And the 20% is pretty accurate as well. If you even dare to crank it up to a 50/50 conversation, it’ll seem to her like you’re talking about yourself too much. Some will say this is proof of the female ego-centric core, but for guys who don’t really like talking much anyway, it’s a good thing.

    Plus, by getting them to talk more, you not only get to find out how full of crap they are. But it adds to your “mystery” levels, which most straight women dig.

  2. blogster25 . says:

    Doesn’t this play into female self-absorption? Am I as a man not important on the date also?

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